KETCHUP ABOMINATION AT COLNEY
On a plane, you gotta be careful who’s watching your tabs, so I’ve got my extremely sophisticated football finance tabs open just in case a Spurs streamer tries to expose me as the type to read TMZ, TribalFootball, whilst sh*tposting Miss Rachel on my burner account. Woke wheels on the bus? Not for me guys and gals, not for me.
Also, it’s 10 am early, and people are smashing bloody marys and chicken tikka curries… admirable, but f*ck me, you just turn into a different human when you’re sitting on a tube of metal going over the Atlantic. Getting Friday night curried up is no way to live… or is it and I’ve just lost my edge and I’m actually a pathetic loser? Don’t answer, please, I think I know what you’re going to say.
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Anyway, Arsenal are about to go into hibernation for three weeks, a terrible, terrible time for many of us who are quite tired of the international spectacle. I took time to listen in on some of the call-ins on talkSPORT. England fans are like Man United fans. We get to a World Cup semi final (only 2 in 50 years prior) and large swaths of the nation want Tuchel sacked over objectively bad subs. Oh, excuse me, I didn’t realise the rich history of England being really good in big tournaments, and fully understand your push to sack a Champions League winner for… Eddie Howe. Why Eddie Howe? Oh, you just feel his ‘currty and bloodies on the plane’ Englishness will get us through these tough moments, after all, that one FA Cup final win does indeed cement him as world class. Grow up.
What sort of League One opinion is that? Dreadful. Not as bad as listening to an Englishman saying he was proud of the Scottish fans at the World Cup on the same show. Embarrassing submissiveness of the highest order. You were just watching Scottish people get some headlines for drinking heavily and you felt second hand pride? Like no other nation had a good time drinking all the Coors Light in America? I will say it to my American friends… where are all the English Americans, please stand up during the World Cup, and at your July 4th BBQs you all want me at, and pledge allegiance to the King, and make sure you tell your pals that we are the dominant drinking culture! Can’t be having it that you’re all Scottish and Irish American. Let me see the DNA family trees before you start drinking Guinness or an Irn Bru in front of me on your respective patron saint days.
Funny I should write something this aggressively, I did bring this exact point up amongst some United States of America folk recently, and a person admitted she was American-Welsh… and she was going to see her family… IN ESSEX. Can you believe it? Sitting there, 3,500 miles away from home, with somebody who likely had family that went to Dukes on a Wednesday night in the late 2000s? Spectacular to introduce her to terminology like ‘babes’ and ‘happy days.’ We get spray tans together now.
What abominations are happening at the Arsenal training ground? Firstly, witness a golden truth of football. Ketchup does not harm performance on any level. So when I tell you that coaches that make a point of removing it from training ground cafeterias, know that it is a petulant move that says more about the coach than their focus on eking out extra on game day. If it’s in a Mikel Arteta lunch room, it’s fine.
Secondly, can we all agree that Kai Havertz should be taken to an emergency tribunal for crimes against pasta? Not only did Kai do this to his food… he did it in front of Italian team-mate, Calafiori. How is that not an extreme violation of his rights? That is trauma incitement to an Italian. Diabolical behaviour. I cannot believe our best number 9 is playing games like this. Expect to see him transferred when Arteta, from the San Sebastián region of Spain, finds out about this culinary abuse.
Ok, so what do we have on the Arsenal chopping block today? 5 Arsenal players made the Enguuuuurland squad. Myles, Declan, Madueke, Konsa, and Eze. I am not excited by this at all. What is quite telling from that list of players is England are in deep trouble for goals when Harry Kane retires. Where are all the young English 9s? We don’t have anyone coming through of note. DCL making the list shows the extraordinary lack of ideas there now.
Arsenal are playing Fleetwood Town in the next round of the League Cup. As soon as you get two good draws, you know there’s going to be a deep run. We pivot from ‘no point in the comp’ to ‘we need to give minutes to everyone’ then we start seeing Bukayo Saka on the right in December, with a Declan and Bruno midfield pivot… that’s not what I want. League Cup overexertion, despite what people will ignorantly proclaim, will add miles to the clock if those miles are put on overused players. Not good. Never is.
On the fitness front, Mikel claimed that we’re nearly fully fit on the defensive front.
“We have another session, they are all willing to be part of it to try to make sure they are fit.”
Ben White and Mosquera could be in contention for the game at the weekend. Hincapie should be back. That’ll mean Arsenal are only one body short, and that’s long-term Saliba. That is good news. Arteta needs to share the minutes this season, because we cannot be dependent on one person for 15 games again. Ben White can rotate with Jurrien. If we have those two splitting time, hopefully in a Champions League final this season, we won’t have to see a centre back doing right back things.
We’re starting to see the truth of what Arteta wants from Eze and it tastes like Wingfielder. I don’t know why I said taste. I was thinking of chicken wings. The whole thing didn’t really work. A basket of wing options might have been better. But, we learn. Eze winging it, via Arteta.
“He’s always played there in his career, that’s where all his biggest moments in his career and the highlights of his career have come.
“I think it’s a place that he feels very, very, very comfortable. He can occupy different spaces, but that’s the space that generally he has created big moments for previous clubs as well to win matches.”
My view is that was the plan for him last season, not to come in and fill in for Martin Odegaard. My hope this season is that Dowman covers for Martin. But we’ll see on that front. He’s 16 until December. Pretty crazy for me to suggest he’s cover for anything… even though I’m watching him rip it up against Ipswich.
Back to Eze. I think he gives us a nice balance on the left. He works well with Calafiori and I’d imagine his skills map nicely to more of an overlapping type like Hincapie. It’s also been compelling to witness Bukayo just move over to the left to create fat overloads in an area of the pitch that has looked very good so far this season. Yeah, fat overloads is my new technical term.
Brighton is going to be a very tough opponent. I have to say, I’d prefer to get the away day out of the way early in the season, versus picking it up during the cold snap, or in the middle of December when Champions League is in full flow. Hürzeler games always have a bit of extra edge on them, not sure why he hates us, but he certainly does. I wonder if he fancies himself as a potential Arsenal hire in the future, so he shows off against us, a little like David O’Leary did when he was the Leeds manager way back when.
Whatever it is, since he lost the battle against Arteta, he went bald, and had the hair transplant late in the summer, so we’re watching its progress in real time. Do I tune into Brighton games explicitly to see his regrowth patterns? I most certainly do. I’ve also seen a bit of Brighton and it’s all very Brightonish. A load of players I don’t know, some decent football, a lot of goals this season, with no idea which team will show up against us.
For Arteta, it’s the chance to max out our season opening with an 8th straight win, which is astonishing given the tumult over pre-season, and the general limpness of what we were doing. If we can win, that’ll put us in great shape for the return. The front half of the season is about survival, managing the certainty of fatigue-induced injuries, and being ready to bang over December. We are ahead of schedule, we’ve picked up some BIG wins, and getting points away at Brighton will really be Arsenal chalking off another bogeyman team.
Ok, you sick freaks, we need to talk about the LIVE show in December, provisionally pencil in December 17th in the evening. It’s the last Thursday people will be working, unless you work for a fascistic organisation that’ll have you spreadsheet-maxxing on Christmas Eve. It’ll be a BIG party, we’ll think carefully about guests after a few noted they wanted more podcasting, and we’ll make sure it’s a brilliant experience of high-octane spice levels with unbalanced views. Pencil that date in right now, if you’re not at the show, I will know. x
P.S. Get some therapy in your system RIGHT NOW. x
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