Behind the scenes: Mikel Arteta’s unconventional antics

Ahead of this week’s Champions League trip to Napoli, Arsenal’s travel plans were thrown into disarray by delays due to air traffic control issues in the UK.

It meant that the team arrived in Italy later than scheduled, and the manager’s press conference which was due to take place at the Stadio Diego Armando Maradona, had to be cancelled.

At his press conference today, the Arsenal boss was asked if that meant he and the team had to adapt, and he revealed he actually fashioned his own impediments to ensure his players and staff stayed on their toes.

“I love those challenges,” he said. “I try to create them in pre-season. So when they happen, we already experience them and we already know. So get to the stadium very late, change the routine and suddenly the players have to do something else.

“Because when it happens, and it can happen, you can miss the flight, the train can be delayed, there’s so much traffic etc. I don’t want the players, but not only the players, the staff as well, panicking. So when that happens, adapt to it.

“Okay, we have another two or three hours on the plane. How can we use them, play together, spend some time together, sleep? Use it, but certainly don’t complain and then use it as an excuse because that’s not helpful at all.”

It might seem counter-intuitive that a man who so clearly loves control embraces chaos, but it’s been part of his modus operandi for some time. Think of pickpockets at team dinners, playing music via speakers on the training ground, using lightbulbs in teamtalks, and even bringing in a dog at the training ground because dogs make everything better.

There are more that never reach the light of day, but Arseblog News can exclusively reveal some of the methods Mikel Arteta has used down the years. The information comes via sources who spoke anonymously to protect relationships.

KIT TYPOS

Ahead of one game in Arsenal’s title winning season, Arteta instructed the kit-man to make a typo in each of the names on the back of the matchday shirts, to test his players’ powers of observation.

He wanted to see those who spotted the mistake on the back of their own shirts, but was more interested in those who saw the error on someone else’s. He believed that it would demonstrate their commitment to the collective and their tendency towards a co-operative environment.

It took some time, as many of the changes were very subtle and the eyes see what they want to see, but when Ben White started to laugh at ‘Saliva 2’, Arteta’s ruse was uncovered.

ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS

Everyone knows that when a new signing arrives, they have to perform a song in front of their new teammates as an initiation. This week, Christos Tzolis revealed he’d got up and done ‘I want it that way’ by Backstreet Boys, following Illan Meslier’s rendition of ‘Joe le Taxi’ earlier in the summer.

However, as a way of ensuring new arrivals feel comfortable and not singled out, Arteta introduced the idea that a random senior player would have to sing also. Initially there was hesitation within the group, but when Gabriel Heinze arrived at the team hotel with a karaoke machine, the mood changed immediately.

We can’t say for sure that Declan Rice doing his best Sean Paul impression will ever win him Britain’s Got Talent, but it sure kept everyone entertained.

TRAVEL TRICKS

After organising this summer’s warm-weather training camp in Marbella, Arteta deliberately booked his players onto flights to Mallorca.

Most spotted the ruse at check-in and quickly rebooked themselves onto the correct service. Gabriel Jesus and Gabriel Martinelli, however, continued to the Balearic island, where they spent five hours waiting for a pickup that never arrived.

Both were subsequently sold.

FIRE AHEAD

Ahead of a London derby last season, Arteta set fire to the squad’s matchday kit and challenged the kit-man to complete a supermarket sweep of the Armoury for replacements.

Stopwatch in hand, the manager then observed as every name and number were reprinted by weekend staff already dealing with the pre-match rush. Several were later released after mistakenly using the cup font instead of the regulation Premier League lettering.

Standards are standards.

Ai-Arteta

Arteta has worked closely with Arsenal’s content team on countless pre-match hype videos. Occasionally, just to keep everyone on their toes, he’ll refuse to record his voiceover in English or choose to deliver the entire script in a squeaky voice to see how they respond.

At first they considered finding an Arteta impersonator, but while his voice is very distinctive, it is hard to pull off the perfect impression. So, using AI-assisted voice-cloning technology, they can now produce a perfect-sounding Arteta in over 183 languages, and considering what a polyglot the Spaniard is already, they have plausible deniability in case anyone accuses them of fakery.

The Staff Room

Although the turnover in coaching staff has been quite limited during the manager’s seven-and-a-half-year tenure, his schemes do not exclude them, although typically they are more subtle.

When Steve Round devised a training drill and ran it past Arteta to see what he thought, the boss said, “Oh wow, what a great idea!” in the most sarcastic tone possible. A confused Round left the office wondering exactly what had gone on. In Arteta’s mind, it was a test to see if his former number two had the courage of his convictions and faith in his methods, which ultimately saw that training drill implemented, and it’s still one the team uses to this day.

When it worked well, Round sought feedback from Arteta, who again, as a test, used his most sarcastic voice to say, “Well, that was great, we should do that every week from now on!”

Round left the club at the end of that season.

Just Win

Everyone loves the brown lab ‘Win’ that Arteta brought to the training ground. Some of the players take her home, with Ben White and Kai Havertz keen dog lovers, and she stays at their houses with their dogs from time to time.

At Christmas time, the Spaniard had a gift made for every player, and each of them was a piece of Win merchandise.

‘Do it for Win ‘ baseball caps.

‘WWWD’ t-shirts. Not a sequence of results in the Premier League, but What Would Win Do, as a slogan to keep players motivated.

‘Snap! Crackle! And Plop!’ plastic bags, so players can pick up the poop and keep the training pitches pristine.

Pleased to meat you

When Arsenal took a trip to Dubai, the warm-weather training was a key component, as were the team-bonding elements. At dinner one evening, Arteta sat and allowed Salt Bae (the Sprinkly Salt Meat Wanker) to feed him slices of the grotesquely overpriced steak he served at his terrible restaurant.

Many looked on aghast at this hideous spectacle, but there was method to the madness. In a team meeting the next day, he said, “I am the boss. I am the one in charge. I have all the power, and still I allowed myself to be fed by an idiot like I was a baby bird.

“Who can tell me why I did that?”

There was silence for a while before one player said, “It is because you want to show that despite your influence and power, you still need to eat like the rest of us. In that simple action of being fed by somebody else, where you cast aside all ego, you make us realise that we must do likewise and feed each other on the pitch so we can achieve the right results which will ultimately bring success to this great club.”

“Great answer,” said Arteta. “But wrong. I lost a f*cking bet.”

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