ARSENAL SLAP CHELSEA WITH STUNNING SHOWCASE - SUFFERBALL IS FINISHED!
Eras aren’t just for Taylor Swift, I bring that up, because some might say Mikel Arteta is entering an era of his own… and it might be quite fun.
Let’s beat the bush with a baseball bat… that was one of the best performances I’ve witnessed under Mikel Arteta. Raw power, outrageous tekkers, a comeback kind of afternoon, combined with an absolute belief that Chelsea were going to be slapped around and sent home pointless.
There was a different story the F*CK YOU gods wanted to write: ‘Arsenal didn’t move fast enough to secure an xG defier in Morgan Rogers.’ A poorly cleared set piece landed at the feet of the English powerhouse 90 seconds in and he just whacked it low through a bundle of legs and it went in.
It happens. Football does that to you. The greats react. React we did.
Arsenal just weren’t going to let Chelsea happen to them, especially not after Morgan Rogers’ little wink to the crowd… one that said, hey, I make good decisions.
Boy oh boy, did he pay for that assumption…
Declan and Odegaard were the driving force behind the fierce reaction. The players were free in spirit; there was less control than we usually offer, but my word… the football on show had me pointing to the sky, screaming to the footballing deities like the very best of Midwest preachers.
It’s not hard to fathom what is happening to Arsenal when they play that well… we have our ‘like a new signing’ players on the field, pressure-free, fit, and determined. Martin Odegaard is playing with the joy of Mesut Özil, but he’s doing all the dirty work. Kai Havertz is in sumptuous form, every touch, every flick, every movement, feels like it was a make-good on what we had to witness last season. Bukayo Saka might not have been there with the G&As, but come on, watch him, look at the sauce he plays with right now… I’m believing again, this is like taking ayahuasca at a West Village house party ten years ago, I’m hugging neighbours, I didn’t know life could be this good, I FORGIVE MY ENEMIES… nothing matters anymore, just the good football.
What the hell was going on tactically? Kai Havertz drifting out to the right wing to draw defenders out, Saka occupying spaces on the left, Ezri Konsa acting as an auxiliary 9 like we were chasing a goal in the Champions League final at the death. Someone poke me with a stick, this is not the sufferball I was expecting?
The goal that leveled the game was Kai picking up a Declan pass on the right, cutting inside, and drilling a low shot past one of the best keepers in the league. The sauce. The belief. The celebration. He knows he’s one of the best 9s on the planet… but we don’t get it yet, because the ayahuasca hasn’t kicked in.
Let’s talk about the new players… Christos Tzolis was manhandled by Matt ‘thought you had nice hair’ Cash and we thought it might portend bad things. WRONG. Tzolis was exceptional. He was our number one player for distance covered, and no Arsenal player spent more time sprinting than him. But that wasn’t the sauce… the sauce was the first touch. The thoughtfulness in every pass. The outrageous control and ability to deal with a highly physical Chelsea team in tight spaces. He created 4 chances, the most important one was a ball across the 18-yard area, Kai dummied it, Odegaard found himself alone in the box, and he did not make a mistake, lashing his finish home.
This was the best team in England against a Chelsea that had big game weapons in transition. We were facing J.P. Morgan, but as Matt Kandela said on the podcast, it felt more like Lehman Brothers (finance bros, rise!). Morgan Rogers took a touch in the first half that went 25 yards in front of him, it was diabolical, I thought he was shite outside the goal. Cole Palmer? Why does he have fans? Who is his media agency, I need their number just in case I do something diabolical like crash an oil tanker into the coral reef and need people to think I’m amazing because of it. Pedro Neto is the only player who looked half decent, but we’re really stretching definitions of greatness here if that’s what we think could win Chelsea a title this season.
David Raya took a moment to remind us that he’s still the best in the business. Chelsea finished 4th for set-piece goals last season; they are very good at that stuff, so having him in box-dominant form was much needed. He also pulled off a wondrous save when Estêvão ripped a shot after cutting in on the right… Raya matched it with a brilliantly tipped save. TV said it was for the cameras, but I was listening to Lee Dixon who cannot wait to underplay Arsenal greatness when he commentates… he loves that almost as much as he loves to remind the listener that he was an industrial right back who was double hard and didn’t like the fancy stuff, like brown shoes or isotonic refreshments.
‘Lee, what’s your view on what looks to be a broken ankle?’
‘Not a foul for me. Forwards from my generation would shank full backs with molten Lucozade bottles. Real men.’
Lee is from the school of ‘you can’t say anything these days’ for sure. Love him. But no one was more excited to call the disallowed Calafiori goal than him.
I did feel like Chris Kavanagh was getting into the Mike Dean mode of ‘I just want to have some fun’ but Arsenal managed to power through those 20 minutes without doing anything that could bring him to the table.
4 minutes of added time at the end of the game spoke to the level of the game for me. It wasn’t about faking injuries and time-wasting, it was a spectacle of football that showcased the Premier League at its very best. I was blown away.
I know there’s a view that I’m a big fan of Arteta - and it’s true. So I tend to wind down the praise, a bit like Lee Dixon. I have to give him shit to seem impartial. I didn’t do the ‘I told you so’ dance after we won the league because the haters knew, and that was enough. There was power in my silence. But come on, the guy is a genius. Look at how he has this team playing. We’re getting very close to our aura phase. Teams giving up before the bus has parked. There are no weaknesses, there are ideas for every moment, and our players are relentless, it’s cultlike behavior, if the isotonic refreshments were spiked with Waco-juice and Arteta told them to drink it, you’d best believe we’d have a story on our hands. He’s an insane talent… and that performance just added nitrous to the idea that he’s the best in the world right now.
So, we start the season with 9 points. We’ve taken down a London rival, our nightmare bogey team, and a newly promoted side. This has surpassed my expectations. The football is intense, the defence is still great, and we’re adding bells and whistles upfront.
The added bonus? The depth is off the charts. We’re so, so deep. I’ve never seen an Arsenal team more equipped for a season than this one.
People online trying to point at this like it’s some sort of indulgence… come on, we’re managed by Arteta. This will barely keep the lights on. But wow, so impressive, the tools we have at our disposal are wildly impressive.
There are still some worries in the squad. If we lose Kai, we are in trouble. I hope that people are starting to understand that good football can only happen if you have a multifaceted 9 who can do most things to a very high standard. Kai is that guy, he can play anywhere, we don’t get that from Number 14 who put in another shocking cameo.
But, calling out that there are some weaknesses if we get an injury or two is kind of silly… Liverpool, City, Chelsea, United, and Villa are all in the same boat. You can’t attain a perfect squad. You need some luck. My hope is that Arteta continues to sub key players early, and uses the glorious Champions League squad to bring our awesome fringe impactors into the mixer. We don’t need to go hard every game in the Champions League. We have to save some juice.
Timber is back soon, rotate him with Benny and Mosquera.
Rice doesn’t need to play on Wednesday, lean in on Zubi.
Mikel Merino is an amazing player, get him on the pitch.
I want to see Madueke, Gyokeres, and Eze getting game time.
Our squad should not be used to plug gaps for downed players… we need to use it to give ourselves freshness in the big moments.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here… the key point, there will be some rough moments this season, it won’t all be this good, so please… enjoy the f*ck out of games like this, and carry the same joy into your fandom as those players carried into the game today.
P.S. Leo Trossard was at the game to say goodbye to the boys. He leaves a legend of Arsenal. What a night for him to be in attendance. Love him. Tzolis is his mini-me!
That was magnificent. Hopefully, you think we put in the same effort for the On The Whistle. Matt Kandela returned, so did Johnny. Only members get the full episode.
